The past few weeks have been busy, and hard, and stressful, and sweet. To sum things up "working sucks". I guess that's not really fair... I like teaching kindergarten. I have a nice (although very, very, very, loud and busy) group this year. They keep me on my toes and my day goes very fast. BUT there are no words to describe how much I hate not being home with my children.
It will be fine. We'll get into a groove. We'll adjust. We'll still have 16 weeks of vacation to soak each other up each year. It will be fine. But right now it's hard.
I feel very "out of the loop" with Kirsten's school this year. I can't figure out if it's just the difference between being a "little kid" in first and second grade and a "big kid" in third grade or if it has to do with my work. I was very sad that I couldn't take her on the first day... but I was at open house... I do homework with her each night, (a lot of homework... a lot) and I've already conferenced with her great teacher... so it's probably just in my head. I miss dropping her off and picking her up. I miss the stupid car line. (Whoever would think you could miss that obnoxious carline?)
I hate dropping the boys off in the mornings. It's much harder on me than it is on them (or at least that's what I choose to believe) but I hate it so much. The "Grandpa Days" are easy. Those feel familiar... I'm okay with that. (God bless that man.) But Matt cries very, very hard when we pull up to school, and that makes Danny cry, and that makes me cry, and that's a crappy way to start the day. I leave my screaming, crying children to go take care of other children... it just doesn't feel right... However, I thank God for their school. The teachers are so loving and patient (with me AND the boys). I call when I get to school each morning and they always assure me that the boys are happy and stopped crying very quickly, and they never act like they mind that I am 1 of 200 parents they have each day, and they never make me feel like I shouldn't be calling all the time.
I know we will all adjust and be fine. I'm sure in October (my favorite month of the year... that magical time when the weather is beautiful, teaching becomes "fun", and everything is easy) we will be in a happy, comfortable routine. But I can't help but point out, for the record (because this blog is my "record"), that it feels very unnatural. It feels like a mother is not supposed to leave her children for eight hours a day. It feels like they are supposed to be with me.
I am rational. I have the best "gig" for a working mom. I work on Kirsten's schedule. I'm off at 3:15 each day and get tons of vacation time... but it's still unnatural. Although, we haven't had the easiest of initiations. Since I've been back at work both boys have been very sick (at different times) and Kirsten had to have "oral surgery" (just some teeth pulled to make room for spacers... but still something I should have been there for). Lots to have "mommy guilt" for...
...But in the hard stuff, we are also blessed with so much laughter. The boys' worlds are getting so much bigger. They have teachers, and schedules, and friends. They are starting to come up with things that I don't know anything about (which I both love and hate.) Last week Danny climbed on a piece of furniture (shocking) and cried, "Mama, look at me! I Superman! I Superman! Superman FLY!!!!". I thought this was so funny. "Superman?" I said, "Where did you learn about Superman? At school?". He laughed a deep belly laugh and said "School. Me friends. Superman FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It was the definition of adorable.
Then tonight he climbed on my lap and made a silly face saying, "Mama... Nanny, Nanny, Boo, Boo!" I laughed and he repeated. I laughed again and asked him "where did you learn 'nanny, nanny, boo, boo'?" and he said, "Me". "Do your friends say that?" I asked. "No. Me. ME 'nanny, nanny, boo, boo,". He's so original. :)
Kirsten is doing GREAT at school. GREAT. I am so thrilled. So proud, and happy, and thrilled.
...And when the boys climb into my lap and say, "Mamma, I want you," and I say, "Mamma's here... you have me," and they say, "Mamma I WANT you," my heart smiles and breaks at the same time.